Cheaters Who Google. Again.
The search terms that bring people to the IHG site can make interesting reading.
The searches by faithful partners can be useful to help us decide what content to publish and which published content is of greatest interest to people. Those search terms are -understandably- typically about affair fog, whether they are to blame for the affair, and reconciliation.
However, cheaters and affair partners (typically the other woman) type some seriously absurd and/or hideous things into their search engine bars. One particular search term prompted me to write this post: My Affair Was Your Fault. Some of it, though, is just so eye-rolling-ly asinine that I occasionally post it for discussion (and/or mockery) in the IHG forum.
Rules and Boundaries for My Mistress
Recently, I discovered another
example of complete hideousness gem:
Did I read that correctly?
Let’s be honest here, Mr Cheaterpants: the subject matter of rules and boundaries is obviously not your strong suit.
You are evidently willing to break the rules and ignore the boundaries of your marriage in order to get your jollies, but you feel perfectly entitled to expect other people to observe your rules and boundaries to protect you from the consequences of discovery?
*sigh* Of course you do. You’re above the rules, aren’t you? It’s just minions, lesser humans, and your wife who have to follow such artificial constraints as ‘rules’. After all, since you reign over the Kingdom of King
Shit Cheaterpants, you are entitled to mistreat, use, and abuse your subjects, huh?
Nonetheless, because you lifted your royal fingers and Googled for the answer, I’ll do you a solid and help. So that you don’t have to engage a brain cell (since that’s clearly difficult for you under the weight of that fancy crown which you’re metaphorically wearing while strutting around your kingdom) here are some ready-made rules for you.
The Other Woman: Prime Directives (aka rules and boundaries)
by Royal Commission; King Cheaterpants
- The PRIME, Prime Directive: Don’t involve yourself with me EVER, Other Woman, because I am seriously bad news.
- If you’re tempted anyway, take a long hard look at me and see me for what I am: a cheating, deceitful, lazy, cowardly, manipulative, self-gratifying, unethical user and abuser. With an STD. Probably. I’ve developed a resistance to antibiotics and my monthly screening is due, so it’s a little ambiguous right now.
- If I pursue you, don’t allow yourself to be ‘caught’ under any circumstances. This is a firm boundary – no crossing it allowed.
- Penis shame me in front of my friends and colleagues – that might give me pause, even if all my other
concubines doxies hand maidensmistresses tell me how majestically endowed I am. Mentioning the inevitable penis-pox might be a good strategy too. Though, if Henry VIII did have syphilis, maybe penis-pox has some cachet?
- Tell me you have the clap. On second thoughts, tell me you have something way worse, because:
- I probably already have the clap and
- the clap isn’t a big deal to me.
- If I so much as breathe (heavily, most likely) in your direction, loudly, firmly, and calmly state before all who are present, “You are married. I am not interested in being your tawdry side piece. Stop harassing me or I shall take legal action against you.” Arm yourself with a taser, just in case.
- Report me to my boss and HR if we’re at work. If that doesn’t work, go straight to the top with my come-on texts and emails and threaten to sue them for tolerating a hostile work environment.
- File a sexual harassment lawsuit if my pursuit of you doesn’t stop immediately.
- Obtain a restraining order/protection order against me. Have me arrested if I fail to observe the boundary of a hundred yards away from you – that’s an important rule. In fact, see if you can get that distance increased, just in case.
- Call my wife and let her know what I am up to.
Those are the first ten I’d suggest, off the top of my head – I’m clearly gifted at this, because I didn’t even have to Google them.
I trust they meet your royal approval. I’m biased, I know, but it seems to me that these make any other rules you might have had in mind, rather redundant. Who knew?